Trying to Spice Up a Relationship—But at What Cost?
At 43 years old, I thought I knew what I was doing. My relationship was struggling—like many relationships do—and I convinced myself that maybe spicing things up with the swinger lifestyle could fix things. After all, the idea of exploring new sexual experiences seemed thrilling, and maybe it would reignite the spark between us.
Looking back, though, I see how misguided that choice was.
How Does the Swinger Lifestyle Start?
For some people, the idea of swinging—exchanging partners or participating in group sexual activities—begins innocently enough. Maybe it’s a conversation or an exploration of fantasies. For me, it came up in passing when I was feeling distant from my partner, and in a vulnerable moment, we started talking about what it would be like to open up our relationship.
We weren’t in a great place emotionally. I was feeling disconnected, and I thought the novelty of new experiences would help rekindle the connection. The promise of excitement and adventure felt like a cure for what we were going through.
But in hindsight, I realize that we were looking for something external to fix what was fundamentally broken within our relationship.
The Emotional Toll: A Weird Feeling I Can’t Shake
The night we decided to explore this lifestyle was a turning point. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say it was nothing like I had imagined. There was this strange mix of excitement, discomfort, and uncertainty. The feeling was almost overwhelming—the kind of feeling that stays with you long after the event is over.
As the night went on, I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. It was emotionally draining and, for me, it felt like we were crossing a line that I didn’t know how to undo. The excitement I initially thought would fix our relationship began to fade, replaced by regret. It
wasn’t just about the experience itself; it was about how it left me feeling empty and disconnected in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
Can the Swinger Lifestyle Ruin Relationships?
The short answer is: Yes, it can.
While some couples might find that swinging strengthens their relationship, it’s not always the case. For me, it exposed underlying issues we hadn’t dealt with properly. It showed me that our relationship needed strength and trust before exploring anything outside of the bond we shared.
The pressure to act “normal” in a situation that felt anything but natural was overwhelming. And when you mix jealousy, insecurities, and unresolved issues, the outcome can be much more harmful than helpful. Relationships thrive on communication, understanding, and intimacy. Without those strong foundations, adding an external factor like swinging can create cracks in the relationship that can be hard to mend.
Is There a Safe Way to Approach the Swinger Lifestyle?
While my experience left me with regret, I know that some people do manage to incorporate swinging into their relationships successfully. But it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution—it requires a lot of open communication, trust, and a solid foundation before exploring this lifestyle. Here are some guidelines for anyone considering it:
- Clear Communication Is Key
Before deciding to engage in any type of alternative sexual behavior, both partners need to be on the same page. This includes discussing boundaries, emotional readiness, and the possible outcomes of introducing a third party or group
activities. Honesty and transparency must be at the core of these discussions. 2. Set and Respect Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries—whether it’s about what you’re comfortable with, what behaviors are off-limits, or what activities you both want to try—is essential. Both parties should feel safe and respected throughout the entire experience. If either partner feels uncomfortable at any point, it’s crucial to stop and reassess.
- Emotional Readiness
Are both of you emotionally secure enough to handle the experience? Are you both ready for potential jealousy, discomfort, or confusion? If not, you may need to take a step back and work on strengthening the emotional foundation of your relationship before exploring this lifestyle.
- Safe Sexual Practices
If you and your partner decide to engage in swinging, safe sex practices—such as using condoms—are essential to protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Make sure everyone involved understands and agrees to these practices.
- Be Prepared for Emotional Aftershocks
Swinging can bring about unexpected feelings. For some, it might deepen emotional connections, while for others, it could cause feelings of jealousy or inadequacy. Understanding and accepting that these feelings may arise—and discussing them openly—can help prevent emotional turmoil later on.
How Many People Are Actually Living the Swinger Lifestyle?
The swinger lifestyle is more common than many people realize, though it’s still somewhat taboo. Studies suggest that 4-5% of adults in the U.S. engage in some form of consensual non-monogamy, which includes swinging. This is just the reported number—many more may engage in it privately, without sharing their experiences publicly.
A survey by Kinsey Institute found that approximately 20% of men and 10% of women had been involved in a swinging or open relationship scenario at some point in their lives.
The lifestyle tends to be more popular among couples who have been together for longer periods and are seeking to add excitement or variety to their sex lives. It’s also important to note that these activities aren’t exclusively for older couples or those in troubled relationships—many younger couples also explore this lifestyle as part of their sexual identity.
I Wish I Could Take It All Back
I look back now with regret. The swinging experience didn’t improve our relationship like I had hoped; it created more distance and confusion. The problem wasn’t the act itself, but the lack of preparation and underlying issues in our relationship.
We never truly addressed the emotional disconnect that was there from the start. The truth is, we should have taken the time to build a stronger, more secure relationship before venturing into such a risky area. It was a poor decision that didn’t end the way I had hoped.
Moving On: Lessons Learned
Thankfully, we both moved on from the experience. We eventually ended our romantic relationship, but we’ve remained friends. That experience taught me that there’s no quick fix to relationship struggles. If anything, it reinforced the importance of building a solid foundation of trust, communication, and emotional intimacy before trying anything outside of that.
My take away: The Importance of Strong Relationships
What I wish I had understood back then is that the strength of your relationship should always come first. It’s easy to get lost in the idea that new experiences, like swinging, can solve problems or bring excitement back into a relationship. But the truth is, true connection and intimacy come from within the relationship—through communication, support, and mutual respect.
So, while I don’t regret sharing my story, I do regret the decision to use swinging as a quick fix to what was a much deeper issue. Relationships take work, and no amount of external experiences can replace the need for a strong emotional bond.
I’ve learned that lesson, and I hope it helps others avoid making the same mistake.
Andrea Crall is a relationship advocate and writer for Ravoke.com. She shares her experiences to help others make informed decisions about their relationships and personal choices.
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